By: debbie lynn elias
As I sit and ponder the new year, several thoughts and resolutions come to mind. First is Rule One – If there are no advance press screenings for a film, there is generally a good reason for it. Think “Justin and Kelly.” Rule Two – If there are no advance press screenings, do not go to the theatre opening day and pay full price evening admission for a film. Reserve full price for George, Johnny, Harrison, Mel and the Harry Potter franchise. Rule Three – Review this abomination of a successful thrilling franchise so that others do not make the same mistake as I. These are my resolutions after watching ALIEN VERSUS PREDATOR: REQUIEM.
When we last saw our otherwordly “heroes”, the Alien had made short work of a Predator, whose carcass is now aboard a Predator ship leaving Earth speeding through the heavens for its motherland. But, as should come as no surprise to the Predators, had they seen Ridley Scott’s superb “Alien”, they should know or at least suspect something a bit out of the ordinary is about to happen; call it an alien gift if you will. For before the ship can clear Earth’s atmosphere, the body of the deceased Predator bursts open giving birth to a bouncing baby Alien….with Predator dreadlocks. Guess Alien and Predator were doing a little more than just fighting in their last encounter.
In a been there-done that onboard extravaganza (unfortunately lacking the thrills and expert execution of the original “Alien”), that little bundle of joy makes quick work of the ship and its crew, causing the ship to fall back towards Earth, ultimately crashing in some heavily forested mountains near Gunnison, Colorado. With the same mindset as its forefathers/mothers, the little Predalien is not only hellbent on destruction of the human race, but initially looks to those unsuspecting residents of Gunnison as breeding vessels to mount its own little army. Needless to say, it’s not long before bodies of the less fortunate impregnated by the Predalien are bursting, screams are slicing the crystal clear night air and residents snug and cozy in their homes ignore the noise and piercing screams believing it to be nothing but animals in the woods. Some animals. We’ve got a Predalien Army on our hands by this time. Interesting though is the Predalien method of reproduction – hugging the victims face.
Meanwhile, while all this madness and mayhem is taking place right under their noses, we get a chance to meet some of Gunnison’s potential victims, among them, Sheriff Eddie Morales, a man of kindness and integrity but whose self-righteous stubborn streak does not bode well for fighting aliens and who always seems to have that deer-caught-in-headlights look on his face; Dallas, local bad boy who has returned home after his release from prison; Dallas’s kid brother Ricky and his high school sweetheart girlfriend Jesse, both of whom are so annoyingly whiney, one prays from the outset that the Predaliens will take them out post haste; and of course, the much needed and welcome, Ellen Ripleyesque, Kelly, a young mother recently returned from Iraq with a die hard maternal instinct for survival and one helluva good shot.
But don’t think for a minute that these poor schlubs our humanity’s only defense against the Predaliens. No siree. Of all things, sent by the Predator homeland, the cavalry comes in the form of a pumped up Predator a la California’s own “Governator”/John Wayne mix. (Must be the same Predator that went toe-to-toe with Danny Glover in “Predator 2″ and knew his “youngsters” had screwed up on Earth.) Seeing value in humans that is often undeserved, and not wanting the Earth destroyed, the super Predator sets out to round up the Predalien ruffians and eliminate them and all traces of their little excursion, from Earth.
With a steady hand and perfect aim (and someone who would probably be welcome by our military in Iraq), this sharp-shooting, laser and nuclear packing Predator makes quick work of those unruly Predaliens but not before they amass an attack on Gunnison and its residents of the most sickeningly disgusting, vile and heinous ever perpetrated on the big screen. And of course, we’ve got a lot of collateral damage with the localites as super Predator tries to clean up the town.
Reiko Aylesworth is probably one of the only recognizable faces in the bunch thanks to her work on “24.” The other is Steve Pasquale. While solid in her performance as Kelly, you can’t help but see her struggle as she tries to mimic and live up to the talents of Sigourney Weaver’s Ripley. And as a viewer, you will find yourself making the inevitable comparison between the two, with Aylesworth coming up woefully short. As for Pasquale, as bad boy Danny, he is believable but not a far stretch from his character Sean Garrity on FX Channel’s “Rescue Me.” If you have to root for two humans to survive this film though and not have their careers end, it would be Aylesworth and Pasquale. Despite his long television career, John Ortiz is not that recognizable and his turn here as Sheriff Morales certainly won’t add to his Q-factor. Annoying and befuddled as Ortiz, I am found myself hoping for his early demise. And then there’s Kristen Hager’s Jesse. All I can say is she has fulfilled the new starlet mandate of doing a horror film. The only problem is that she is horribly bad, plasticene and cardboard all at the same time. Johnny Lewis as Ricky fares a bit better but not much. With a childlike innocence that belies his 24 years, Lewis actually fits the kid brother-idolizing-bad-boy-big-brother-and-going-ga-ga-for-his-vacuous-high-school-sweetie role.
Written by Shane Salerno, one has to wonder two things. First, had he ever seen any of the “Alien” or “Predator” franchises before writing this movie and second, was he under the influence of something other than a paycheck when he wrote this abysmal drivel. Where do I even being? The characters are not fleshed out and are do unlikeable no sympathy or connection with the audience is ever generated giving rise to an “I don’t care if they live or die” attitude but then given the dialogue, trust me, you will pray for an early demise of everyone just to keep from listening to them speak. The dialogue is cliche, cliche, cliche and not even humorous cliches – just boring and dare I say it, stupid. The majority of the film is set in the forest but there are a few excursions to locker rooms, power plants and hospital maternity wards, the latter of which gives rise to Salerno crossing all lines of acceptability and decency. (Not one to reveal spoilers, that is all I will say about one of his plot lines.) And as for the plot? What plot? Salerno starts with an interesting premise, two established successful franchises and then does nothing.
I am truly aghast at the product turned out by directors Colin and Greg Strause. Known for their FX wizardry, as first time directors they seem to have lost all sense of purpose, however, thankfully do move this debacle along at a fairly even and rapid pace and do maintain a relatively decent modicum of production values when actually applying them. But even with a rapid pace, the 86 minute run time feels like 86 hours given what’s up on the screen. The first 45 minutes is spent setting up the characters and the situation. The last 41 minutes is nothing but gratuitous blood-letting. Non-sensical and excessive shots in darkness and the stylized forest gives new meaning to the phrase “you can’t see the forest for the trees.” Here, you can’t see the Predaliens, the victims, the Predator or the trees as the set is so congested and overgrown, leaving the audience in the dark as to what is actually happening on screen. Of course, that could be a good thing. A big letdown is the climactic battle which just dashes any hope or joy one ever had for the franchises themselves.
The word “requiem” is defined as a “mass for the dead.” Let us now hold our own requiem , because thanks to ALIEN VERSUS PREDATOR: REQUIEM and the Strause brothers, Shane Salerno and 20th Century Fox, two of my favorite franchises, Alien and Predator, are surely now dead.
Kelly – Reiko Aylesworth
Dallas – Steve Pasquale
Sheriff Morales – John Ortiz
Ricky – Johnny Lewis
Jesse – Kristen Hager
Directed by Colin and Greg Strause. Written by Shane Salerno based on characters created by Dan O’Bannon & Ronald Shusett (“Alien”) and Jim Thomas and John Thomas (“Predator”). Rated R. (86 min)
