By: debbie lynn elias
This review comes with a disclaimer/warning, at least for the male population, for little did we realize what Hall & Oates were singing about with one of their 1980’s anthems, “Maneater.” On the other hand, women (including – or maybe – especially myself) will more than likely be cheering and/or rolling in the aisles laughing with their very first bite of Mitchell Lichtenstein’s sensational “horromedy”, TEETH.
For many years, there has been a long running joke on both sides of the continent about my joy and unadulterated glee over an article given to me by a physician friend taken from a national medical journal discussing not only the surgical performance of a penile amputation and reattachment (if one so desired), but also the documented history of the process when “boys gone bad” and wives and girlfriends were not too enthralled with them. Over 1000 years ago in China, the procedure involved a rock and a tree (ouch) while in the 20th Century, we were graced with a more efficient approach thanks to Lorena Bobbitt. But since the beginning of mythologic history, recorded as lore with many cultures and tribes and ultimately manipulated into mantra and beliefs by religious and social systems, “vagina dentata” has been something to be revered and feared. (And if you haven’t yet figured out what those words mean, check out your handy dandy Latin dictionary.) In fact, Christian authorities of the middle ages likened womens’ genitals to the yawning mouth of Hell with teeth that would grow into fangs ready to dismember any man who dared enter. There is an up side though. Only a true champion will enter and survive the vagina dentata with his “member” intact. (Sadly, I don’t know too many champions.)
Dawn is your average high school teen living in your average small American town near a nuclear power plant with her mother, step-father and greasy slimy disgustingly gross step-brother Brad who also happens to be obsessed with Dawn. A straight “A” student, she is sweet, innocent and chaste, so much so that she joins a chastity group called The Promise” wherein the members take vows of chastity until their wedding night. But the group affords Dawn something more than just a place to belong and to share her views with others like her without being chastised or ridiculed. It also provides her an escape from her sickly mother, lame duck step-father and the sexually deviant Brad.
But, we all know how most teen girls get. Puppy love. The high school jock…or even a geeky guy who’s kind acute and who shares the same beliefs as Dawn. (Yeah right. A guy believing in chastity? Many have trouble with the word “no.”) Inklings and itchings, fast beating hearts, sweaty palms, and then that ultimate moment where chastity goes out the window. Yep, we’ve all been there and it doesn’t take long before Dawn finds herself in that blissfully emotional exciting state with her pal Tobey.
Squirreling off on a nature walk, the two find themselves in the most romantic of spots, their very own Garden of Eden. A small pond, twinkling waterfall sequestered among the sun-drenched green lushness of the foliage and hidden caves is all it takes for our couple to strip to their undies and frolic under the falls. But Tobey takes the frolicking a bit too far, forcing himself on the virgin fare, and at the apex of his joy and Dawn’s terror, natural selection steps in and takes a bite out of crime and Tobey. With a flopping phallus staring her in the face, Dawn’s horror takes hold. Believing herself to be a mutant of some sort, she rushes to the doctor for her first ob-gyn exam. Dare we even ask how that appointment goes? All I will say is you’ve got to see it to believe it….and if this doesn’t give new meaning to the doctor-patient relationship nothing will. But more than anything, these events give rise to an awakening in Dawn as she begins to appreciate the “gift” and “power” with which she has been blessed and the good that she can for “mankind.”
As is evidenced by her win at Sundance when TEETH premiered in 2006, Jess Weixler is dazzling as Dawn, bringing a believable, healthy sense of curiosity and morality to the part, easily adapting her performance to the plot twists, making you go “wow” (and ouch). To pull of this role for a seasoned veteran is difficult enough. For a novice such as Weixler, amazing. In TEETH, she is pure, wholesome, innocent but on meeting her, it is evident there is more to her than meets the eye as she showed up for her interview wearing black lace and silk – the very antithesis of Dawn. According to Weixler, she “knew nothing before they handed me the script and then I got a few pages in and I went ‘WHAT! NO!.” I had never done a lot of sex scenes before.” Wanting to be involved in the project she initially read for the part of Dawn’s best friend but Lichtenstein thought better and persuaded her to take on the virginal pure Dawn. It was his passion and intelligence that swayed her when it was evident that Lichteinstein was going for a dark comedy rather than a B horror flick. Besides, she liked the idea of playing Dawn as a superhero, “someone with an anatomical uniqueness that has to learn to use her power for good.”
Josh Hensley best known for his work as Matt Mcnamara in “Nip/Tuck” is chameleonic in his transformation into pervert Brad. Again, the complete antithesis of his character, Hensley, a former horse wrangler, is charming and disarming. A must mention goes to Josh Pais who is hysterical as ob-gyn Dr. Godfrey. He brings a level of physical comedy to the film that harkens back to the day of Martin and Lewis or even Buster Keaton.
A first feature writing and directorial effort by Lichtenstein, the subject matter is, surprisingly, totally virgin territory in filmmaking, with no prior films being made about vagina dentata. For that alone, you should be cheering this man! Son of the legendary artist Roy Lichtenstein, it is not surprising to see a concept this fertile and imaginative come from Mitchell. After all, sometimes the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. Emotion runs the gamut with satire and sensibility at the forefront but pure unadultered fun chomping at the bit in every scene. His attention to the little things given added depth to an already entertaining work: gold stickers in textbooks cover certain body parts, kids trying steam and water a la Lucille Ball schticks to remove the stickers, members of The Promise wear little promise rings, a Rottweiler named “Mother” who has a penchant for eating certain types of meat. But above all, his script is respectful to chastity and morality. Showing no fear in his subject matter or style, while others may call his brash or brazen, I call his work brilliant.
With old school technique, Lichtenstein used very little CGI but for the nuclear power plant behind Dawn’s house. Like a pantheon to the gods or an exploding volcano those visuals are key to the blossoming of our heroine. But for me, most impressive is the work of Doug Fields who was in charge of penile prosthetics. Described by Lichteinstein as being “a good sport”, Field had a field day with this project. And in asking Lichtenstein how many prosthetics were used, all he could say was “we went through quite a number.”
Surprised with an “R” rating, Lichtenstein said that the MPAA “really wanted it to get an R because they saw it as a cautionary tale and they thought all parents should take their teenage boys to see it. It does have a very clear moral message. If you are a man and your intentions are good, then everything is fine. And if you’re not then watch out. And the MPAA really tuned into that message.and the MPAA really tuned into that message
As to anxious inquiries by myself and a colleague about a sequel, Lichtenstein sees it as a clear possibility. After all, “there’s more work for her to do.” TEETH – it will give you something to chew on.
Dawn – Jess Weixler Brad – John Hensley Dr. Godfrey – Josh Pais Tobey – Hale Appleman
Written and Directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein. Rated R. (88 min)
